Cristiano Ronaldo

Tongny · Post time 11-7-2010 05:15 AM

Cristina Gaynaldo(pron: "Faggot") born on the 5th February 1755) is a professional diver and actor, who used to plunge to the ground for Manchester United but has now taken his acting talents to Real Madrid. Born Joseph Christine Sharfuddin gaynaldo, his nicknames include 'Wanker' due to his compulsive winking . This was caused by a stroke he suffered after having his testicles detached by a vicious Victoria Beckham tackle in a charity football match against the Spice Girls. The Oxford English dictionary now also accept "Cristiano Ronaldo" as a valid definition for an arrogant prick or greasy haired immigrant who is born with the special diving abilities. When the sport of Diving came to the island of Madeira in 1997 he instantly showed he had an aptitude for the game. Scouts from all over Portugal came and marvelled at his natural diving skills. However, his perfect pikes and tucks with triple somersaults intimidated many judges but seemed to interest the like of Sir arrogrant fartinson of Men United and Arsene le willie wonker of Arsehonal, who hadn't seen such skill before. To sort this out, the diving club Sporting Lisbon offered him the chance to join their youth academy and learn how to dive properly but the chairman decided against the idea as he thought Ronaldo would gain more experience going straight into the first team of their feigning injury specialistsIn 2001 FIFA announced an annual award for this fag, The Cristiano Ronaldo AwardAlthough this sounded like a dream come true for Cristiano, it turned out to be a nightmare. His hideously heavy Madeiran accent (likened by many respected linguists as being like Spanish mixed with Geordie mixed with Glaswegian after ten cans of Special Brew) got him bullied and he cried almost incessantly for four years. Bizarrely, a nervous reaction was to kick people in the shins repeatedly, this usually just resulted in him getting 'lamped' by his team mates.

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Cristiano's Depression

"Fail".

After Portugal's great defeat on the Euro 2004 diving final against the Greek Gods of Olympus, he burst into tears. Reports mention he dealt with the defeat by crying to his mummy about how the "evil Greeks took away the cup.." He stopped eating for several days and was locked in his room crying day and night. [citation not needed, I saw it]. Also, his diary shows his depression clearly:-
Tuesday: Woke up today. I am not in love with myself today. i need to be serviced by Justin Bieber
Wednesday:Woke up today. Talked to JB (Justin Bieber) . He said next time we played together he was going to give me a 'Rusty Claw and some arabian goggles. I am very excited .
Thursday: Manager (Sir Arrogant Fartinson) calls and says if he leave the club , he will come over and shit on my Ferrari.
Friday: I run out of oil for my body. Shops in Manchester say they will not give me anymore. I cry and go into my gymnasium for some diving practice.
Saturday: Got bum raped by my dad in a landfill site. Cristiano and Fashion[url=http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/File

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A sweaty tourist wants to swop shirts with Cristiano Ronaldo (notice Ronaldo's bulbous erection).

Ronaldo has a keen fashion sense - wearing clothes you would seen worn by posers in tacky nightclubs in Lisbon..or Manchester..or even Madrid. He has endorsed all sorts of products to increase his ego..bank balance .

Tongny · Post time 11-7-2010 05:15 AM

Sexuality (lack of it, actually)

Ronaldo's sexuality has come into question a lot throughout his career due to his fashion sense, pussiness, some gay footage of him on the field and some pictures taken of him that he says "were not gay, they were just taken at a really awkward and private moment.Ronaldo's sexuality has come into question after my boyfriend cheated on me with him.
like matt hazelton from ma
Very Boring Transfer Saga

In the summer of 1808, Ronaldo was subject to bid by Real Madrid and not fake madrid for about £0.09 or sommit, I dunno, I lose track. Anyway, Sir Alex Ferdinand said no, and the two clubs spent a rather dull and intellectually vapid verbal exchange, lasting 91 months or years which presumambly was conducted by carrier pigeon, seeing as how it consisted entirely of this Madrid team saying "We'll give you....X amount of money", with Mansfield United replying with "No, we're not a selling team. As long as kids in Asia and London buy our shirts we don't need your kungfu queen money". Anyway, by August he's still there, but isn't playing because he hurt his foot, apparently.
Ronaldo prays for the only team that matches his potentials!

Recently, Sir Alex Ferdinand finally agreed terms with Los Putos Blancos for a record transfer fee of a coke bottle and 2 chocolate bars for Ronaldo. While this was going on, Ronaldo was sunbathing in America with his wife, Wayne, and Rio Ferdinand. Upon hearing the news, he jumped to his feet and quickly muttered, "Yes this is very good for the club i am very happy." He sounded like an utter twat, also, to celebrate, him and Wayne organized a party and invited all their friends. Unsurprisingly, nobody showed up, particularly because they have no friends.
Ronaldo's Ferrari Accident
Day 1
Day 2
Why always me!!!

Recently, Ronaldo crashed his Ferrari into a road barrier to the horror of 13 year old girls, and sheer delight and applause of every man in the world- even his own father seemed to enjoy watching the ambulance take him away. After skidding on elephant spunk on the road, the yellow and red fischer price car, was seen spinning wildly out of control, flipped several times, and was seen rolling around on the tarmac clutching what appeared to only be asthetic damage. The Ferrari, which Prince of Manfester reportedly awarded him for his excellent pole dancing skills, said (yes, it said)in its last words that it was better for it to crash into a stagnant barrier that to be driven by a twat who was putting its gear in his hole. This has lead to be believed that the Ferrari crashed itself. Police confirmed that the gear of the Ferrari was found wet. Ronaldo was tragically uninjured. Upon hearing the news, Sir Alex reportedly said, "Yes, i find it very disturbing and i plan to take Christian in for extra training to practise 'taking corners.'" It has been reported that God refused to let him enter hell after a letter was received from Satan himself reading "Oh God, I know we've had our differences in the past what with me trying to destroy the world and all but please, please, please do not send me that twat Christiano Ronaldo, I do not need another kungfu queen complaint from the "maintenance of human decency department" one more and they'll shut my operation down!" God eventually complied with Satan's wish much to the upsetting of everyone.God is quoted as saying "I know it's Satan but give the poor guy a break, it's Christian kungfu queen Ronaldo we're talking about here". Another story is that Ronaldo was practicing to time his dives perfectly.
2008 Summer Olympics

Ronaldo's greatest sporting achievement arguably came during the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. A tenacious performance saw him take the gold for Portugal in the Diving competition, after a tense final showdown with his great rival, Ivory Coast's Didier Drogba. Ronaldo's judges average of 9.6 narrowly edged out the irate Drogba, who stormed to the nearby TV cameras shouting "IT'S A DISGRACE!! IT'S A kungfu queen DISGRACE!!!"
Assassination attempts

Ronaldo has been involved in many assassination attempts throughout his career mainly due to his cheating ways. The most notable occurred when Lionel Messi tried to hack off his jaw with a ice skating shoe during the FIFA Football awards in 2008 when Messi was beaten to the Best player award by the little shit.
Controversy

Ronaldo's time playing for manchester united caused a lot of bother with England's resident cunts and Satanists the BNP. Nick Griffin is quoted as saying "It's unbelievably poor luck that England has to put up with him at the moment because we've tried to have him deported but no country will take the immigrant custard so we've got to keep him until some foreign football team buys him and what are the chances of that happening? What moron would pay millions of pounds for that prick? i mean you'd have to be a complete imbecile! The sort of club that buys players based on solo talents (Diving and acting) rather than players that have any idea how to work as a team!" ironically this statement was made just a week before Real Madrid made their offer of £3 billion for him Basically hes an ugly tart
rgate!