Sorry panjang sikit. So i nak mintak pendapat. Ok cerita dia gini i 26 tahun, anak bongsu. Lepas degree i kerja then i sambung master sbb i rasa i lagi incline utk jadi academician dari kerja dlm industri. I habiskan master dlm 2tahun setengah then i dpt kerja kat UM in research unit. Few months lpstu ada lecturer situ offer me utk sambung phd under dia and i accept. Mmg impian i la kiranya nak study sampai phd and jadi lecturer. Impian parents i jugak.
Parents i happy sbb parents i sejenis ada high expectation dlm education anak2 semua. Bila i ckp high mmg HIGH bukan biasa2 tau. Mak i pernah pengsan darah tinggi sampai masuk hospital bila abang i fail satu subjek kat uni dulu. Ok sambung, so i pun start kerja sambil phd ni. Sampai satu level i penat and burnt out. Bila penat jadi segala negative thoughts datang. I rasa nak quit study. Tak boleh quit kerja sbb kang i nak makan pasir ke, sape nak bayar rumah kereta i semua. I ingat i just stress and phase ni akan berlalu tapi tak. Benda ni dah start affect mental health i. Not in a good way. Mmg stress sgt2 sampai i jumpa psychiatrist and diagnosed MDD.
Lagi stress bila org dok cakap kat i belajar tinggi2 kang tak dapat kerja pun. Buat i terfikir worth ke stress and penat mcm nak gila i selama ni. Kerja and study, research. Weekend mmg tak wujud la bagi i. Mmg takde life. Hidup dekat lab je, alone. To be realistic betul la tu, kerja mmg tak tentu dapat. Malaysia tak appreciate expertise. Rnd fund pun tak banyak since mostly import tech luar je. Nak kerja bagus sila migrate ye. Negara luar sgt hargai phd holder. Nak jd lecturer pulak mmg kena struggle produce high impact paper banyak2. Nak publish tu tak senang. Ni realitinya. Haa i bebel pasal phd kat malaysia pulak.
Jadi to cut the story short i nak quit. I might be sambung lagi tapi not now or anytime soon. Wlaupun i nak benda ni tp i redha i mmg tak boleh dah. For my own sake. Sebabkan dlm ni byk parents jugak so i nak mintak pendapat mcm mana nak bgtau parents i without kecewakan diorg. Slow talk, yes i know tp mcm i mention tadi parents i lain mcm sikit and diorg ada HIGH expectation and i mcm rasa oblige utk fulfill expectation tu. Dari dulu sampai dah besar panjang ni pun i akan rasa bersalah yg amat sgt3x bila i tak boleh fulfill expectation parents i. I akan rasa guilty terlebih2, taktau nak explain mcm mana tp mmg terlebih dari normal people la. I boleh dpt panic attack bila perasaan tu dtg. Anxious sangat2 sampai tak boleh buat apa. Sorry but sometimes i rasa parents i manipulate otak i since kecik sampai i jadi camni and i tak boleh keluar dari perasaan guilty tu. Bukan bab study je i rasa gitu, semua termasuk relationship. Bila nak kenal org mesti first thought i ni mak i suka tak dia ni nanti so sudahnya i single je. Ada tak org lain yg mcm i? Yg rasa hidup dia cuma utk fulfill expectation parents? Literally tau. Ni bukan statement exaggerate.
Author|Post time 25-2-2020 04:54 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
KIM.K replied at 25-2-2020 04:51 PM
Buat master phd di msia memang common makan ubat psikiatri. I have few juniors yang kena makan ubat ...
Yes. And my parents pun a bit skeptical about mental health jadi lagi susah nak explain. Ramai je skeptical bcs of stigma yg mmg dah ada so i mmg tak bgtau anyone irl. Even my best friend.
Skrg ramai lulusan PhD pun tak dpt proper job dik.. i kenal a couple (husband & wife) yg dah ada PhD tapi keje jual insurans (not like keje tu tak bagus, tapi tak berkaitan dgn phd mereka). so if you are aiming to jump into the academia after completing the phd, i takut u akan kecewa sgt..melainkan you nak migrate n keje kt oversea.. Since you pun baru start berapa bulan, rasanya tak ralat sgt la kalo nak quit belajar. utk parents u, hmm.. mcm mana erk.. time will heal.. tu jer kot jawapannyer..
please la wpon burnt out macam mn pon...please do not quit...
tapi i support u berehat sekejap...3 bulan 6 bulan...setahun
waktu i belajr dulu pon...mmg weekend kat lab
i tak suka bile u cakap "macam xde life"
bagi i itu la life..life as a researcher....life as a student..
dulu wpon i kat lab je memanjang...xpernh missed terawih berjemaah ok (satu ketika di waktu ramadhan...ehehe...moga dijumpakan lagi ramadhan kali ini)
orang ajak pergi makan2...join jela...dah makan sembang2...balik la g lab balik
life apa yang u nak? suka ria di waktu weekend?
life yang seimbang?
mana wujud...kerajaan pon golak golek....ahahhaa
wpon weekend i dekat lab...
bila rasa penat stress sgt...i ambil jela cuti...travel...xde duit pon...g jalan2 naik bas je dah ok...xperlu gusar...janji otak segar semula...
lagi satu, u ambil pengalaman...dah hbs phd...then apply job kat obersi...
kawan i dapat...
dia pon dulu RA jer (wpon phd holder) di UM tu...ambil pengalaman
then di reject berkali2
akhir dapat juga
ada orang sampai jual rumah bagai sebab nak study...
bergolak gadai semua
ada anak2, suami pon terpaksa berhenti kerja
lepas tu if sebut pasal cuti
even di obersi pun banyaaaak sangt kes depression ni...
kawan2 i...banyak yg ambil cuti....plng lama setahun...sb dia kata dia stuck
then after dh hbs cuti..siap dpt keje kt lab best kot...
then ni x cmpur lagi kisah kawan i dengan duit x masuk sb negara dia tgh berperang2
kos belajar tinggi...trpksa dia cuti balik...tunggu habis perang
pasal cakap dengan parents tu
tunjuk je iklan video student bunuh diri sb tekanan parents
cakap if xnk u jadi macam ni...
please la let me rehat...ahahahaa
tp Alhamdulillah...
mak bapak i tak pernah pressure i...
i je yg pressure diri sndri smpai depress semua
yela sb i bukan anak org kaya
nak give up easily tu agak payah...
if u nak tau cter2 pelajar phd lagi boleh PM i....ahahahhaha
Author|Post time 25-2-2020 05:22 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
Zack8hunter replied at 25-2-2020 05:07 PM
Skrg ramai lulusan PhD pun tak dpt proper job dik.. i kenal a couple (husband & wife) yg dah ada PhD ...
I get the point. Mcm i cakap secara realistik nya mmg betul. Byk yg tak dpt kerja sesuai qualifications and yg i kenal kawan2 byk juga yg dpt je kerja. As cliche as it sounds berbalik pada rezeki juga kot. Obvious benda ni, we all phd student faham and aware je pasal kerja ni but bila org keep on coming to our face ulang2 benda ni as if we don't get it tu yg stress.
Author|Post time 25-2-2020 05:32 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
merrissa replied at 25-2-2020 05:13 PM
please la wpon burnt out macam mn pon...please do not quit...
tapi i support u berehat sekejap...3 ...
I am an introvert. Bila i ckp takde life bukan makna i nak bersuka ria on weekend. I used to enjoy being in the lab alone. I was passionate in research and writing. Now mcm semua gone. Maybe betul i penat and need rest. Used to think so sampai i ada suicidal thoughts. That's what been bothering me. Sometimes i fikir ye la maybe i yg lemah sangat. Kalau org lain why i tak boleh kan. And org sekeliling ckp benda sama like you. You are lucky parents you faham.
Post time 25-2-2020 05:49 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
Mmg letih.. tapi letih yg berbaloi kan?
Kejap je tu
Sapa ja tak stress keje ngan sambung study in the same time
Ai rasa baiklah jgn quit
Huntong taw Allah bukakan jalan cemgini
Percayalah.. sekejap je masa berlalu
Nanti dah abis PhD enjoy la puas2
Post time 25-2-2020 05:51 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
I taknak bg you advice or opinion cliche. I'm sure you dah dengar byk from people around you kan. Just nak cakap do whatever you think best for yourself, bukan org lain. Don't be too hard on yourself. Paling penting jgn self blaming.
kalau u nak take a break, baik u tak payah cerita kat mak u.
buat jer macam biasa. cerita benda yang happy2 sahaja.
kalau buat something sampai effect to your mental health,
baik u postpone jer, sampai u rasa dah full recharge, later boleh sambung balik.
buat ape nak terkejar2, esok masih ada. umur u pun muda lagi.
Bila nak kenal org mesti first thought i ni mak i suka tak dia ni nanti so sudahnya i single je.
tak payah pikir jauh2 ler
just enjoy the experience and have fun.
u ni kena tengok The big bang theory.
oleh kerana u suka duduk lab, u kena fokus watak amy farah fowler.
Post time 25-2-2020 06:38 PMFrom the mobile phone|Show all posts
Saya sgt respek kpd PhD holder bukan sbb ketinggian ilmu mereka shj, tapi sebab they survived the most difficult journey in their lives. Dari situ la mereka ni belajar menjadi manusia yg matang, tabah, tak berputus asa, dll.
Sis dah sem berapa skrg? Mungkin boleh tangguh pengajian satu sem atas sebab kesihatan dan dapatkan semula kekuatan. All the best!
this kind of thought will get u depression.
jangan compare your life or achievement with others.
or u will never stop running and chasing things.
dalam donia sekarang ni,
di kala ramai orang are suffering with mental illness (no offense),
simple life with freedom and inner peace,
are underrated and underappreciated.
Post time 25-2-2020 04:36 PM
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