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this is so me 
Summary Of Female Distancer
• She looks flaws in her date @ mate, talks herself out of intimacy, and stop relationships before they start. This protects her from hurt and also falling in love.
• She lashes out to hurt her date or partner before he can hurt him.
• She’s not proactive; she waits instead of taking action because she fears being seen as needy.
• She rationalizes her behavior as right and fair
• She doesn’t nail the date or connection.
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otakotak posted on 2-3-2013 08:46 AM 
where can i get this book?
iols beli buku ni kat Border, last few years (time tu muda belia & penuh rasa nak tau ) .
tak sure ada tak lagik dlm market
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Chapter 3 : The male dilemma of intimacy : How not to (S)mother Your Man
For men, intimacy is forever compromised with women becoz of mother-son relationship. Where the mother did not provide enough or too much love, strength, and courage to strengthen and support, to prevent rejection or smothering. Men do not like being told what to do or asking for directions.
Most of time, he is into you, especially when you may think he is not! So don’t be so quick to label him as not into you or uninterested. Many men get offended by woman’s defensive posture & assumption if “you’re not interested in me”. So we (women) need to educate men, be their guardians of connection, as they usually are open to being “educated” not scolded!
To be masculine, the male has to break away from his mother, usually before he is emotionally ready and away from being told what to do by her. The premature juncture sets the stage for intimacy later on to be compromised forever with a wife or girlfriend. This creates an intense fear of dependency he prematurely gave up and commitment! Men are actually reenacting the developmental stage – otherwise known as “the terrible twos” – where most got the “wrong” mother, either too much rejection when trying to give them independence, or too much independence when they needed love and encouragement. This power struggle is an assertion that impacts marriage & intimacy later on in life for men. This make them “allergy” to a woman’s emotionality.
This is even challenging if the person is stubborn & selfish which is unfortunately the case for most men who is distance. It will be more trouble if the woman is stubborn, becoz someone has to carry the ball. The woman, the guardian of the connection, is the pioneer & cheerleader, paving the way.
As a woman we question, “why do I have to do everything?” it will soften the blow to think of this way – as a pioneer & cheerleader, you are his eye, you are the guide on the trail. He wants to lead you but he doesn’t know where he is going. The man was taught from early on that he has to know everything – that’s a lot of pressure for him & you! Since a man feel like they must know everything, it is innately difficult for men to listen to a woman’s advise.
Balancing the “I” and the “We”
The power struggle is an assertion of who they are, the “I”. a good mother lets a little boy explore & she is there when he comes back. She should be encouraging while he lets him become “I” and disconnecting with love when she thinks the little boy needs his independence. The male dilemma created when a Distancer is held too tightly when he should have been let go, or when a Pursuer is abandoned when he should have been nurtured. To help alleviate this power struggle with your husband @ bf make sure to use patience & love, give him his autonomy when you can, set limits with love & reward.
According to Dr. Gottman, a woman’s harsh start up or demeaning vocal criticism has a drastic effect on a man’s reaction. By being nasty, critical or angry becoz you have been provoked or pushed, this causes the man to stonewall, creating more contempt & criticism which leads he ignoring you and making you feel invisible. REMEMEBER, you picked this person becoz he is a mirror image of unmet expectation of your birth family. You naturally pick a person who gives you the most trouble, so don’t be frustrated with your partner. This stonewalling from the man can actually make a woman physically sick.
If a woman does have a harsh start up, it gives a rationalization for the man & allows him to shut down, stonewell & distance.
Don’t be mad at men for what they don’t know – teach them in safe ways, complimenting & rewarding their efforts instead of criticizing them. We’re shareholders of a company – you can’t just do what you want to do!
Both men & women want to be loved, connected & understood; we just go about it differently. You don’t have to get it right away, just fake it ‘til you make it.
Last edited by Innrukia on 2-3-2013 10:21 AM
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Innrukia posted on 1-3-2013 11:20 PM
akak dah share chapter 2...kenalpasti behavior kita dulu
@axela
me...i think more to Female Distancer..80% ada kat situ..
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Salam kaka found that the longer u got married the less sentence you got, sebab semua pakai watsapp |
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missus_meow posted on 2-3-2013 08:16 AM
lelaki ni slalunye suke nk jd hunter ... he wants 2 do the chase ... tp ade gak yg dia dah puas keja ...
manusia ni mn pernah puas..dpt satu...dah boring..
kejar lagi....and on and on.....x pernah puass.. ...
nk fullfill nafsu,smpai kiamat baru tamat..
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nuryakmal posted on 2-3-2013 12:01 PM
Salam kaka found that the longer u got married the less sentence you got, sebab semua pakai watsapp: ...
itu lah keburukan gadget2 skang ni..
comm dah makin kurang baik dgn family,siblings, suami isteri..
sbb tu iols x suka gadget2 terkini kemal...,,suka menaip terus dgn lappy,x da guna tab ke hapa..
henpon pon jaman tok kadok...sms n call dpt ,cukup lah..
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sue_0684 posted on 2-3-2013 12:04 PM
itu lah keburukan gadget2 skang ni..
comm dah makin kurang baik dgn family,siblings, suami isteri ...
Tu le.....
I hope i dont fall into that trap.. Sekarang ni pung both of us are so super busy so like mmg thats the only communication we have. But when we got together ade jugak la moment yang both asyik tgk henpon jek watsaaping each other. Tu time tgh mengumpat |
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iols lom sempat nak membaca semua, lepas masak2 t harus ku luangkan membaca seperti nak exam kaedahnya....mayak info yg bes, |
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axela posted on 2-3-2013 12:21 PM
iols lom sempat nak membaca semua, lepas masak2 t harus ku luangkan membaca seperti nak exam kaedahn ...
uols dlm confuse stage, of cos berminat nak tau
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Innrukia posted on 1-3-2013 11:17 PM
Chapter 2 : Are you a Pursuer or Distancer
Men & women appear to be fr different planets becoz mo ...
this is such a great post..thanks..i just realized that i am a female distancer...all the above were spot nail!!! how to change eh??any tips..
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Category: Cinta & Perhubungan
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Post time 2-3-2013 09:09 AM
Author
