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nice greens over there it 's summer kan wow man miss those greensssssss..
some more photos like lakes ? etc etc tak der ker ? |
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CLOSURE
"If only it was as painless as Brazillian waxing"
G and I were to meet again on Thursday. The initial plan was we would go to Great America in Gurnee. Somehow, the weather forcast wasn't really permitting. G said that metal rods and lightning don't go well together. Oh yeah, I don't wanna die too even with him by my side lol. So our plan B was.. THE ZOO (yeah.. of all the places)
We were to meet at downtown Milwaukee around noon. He was driving from Chicago. It was raining all morning that day. I spent sometime sitting with my friend in Grand Avenue food court watching rain drops on the transparent roof. My friend decided to take a walk to the old university to take more pictures. We parted before noon. So I was left with my own devices.
I walked out of the Grand Avenue building and and took more pictures. The rain had stopped. I still had this collosal umbrella with me and wow, I noticed something. The price tag on the handle.
Hahahaahha.. |
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Sambungan
G would be around any moment. He however had never been to Milwaukee all his life - well he would have gone 12 years ago if I hadn't left him for another person. I felt awkward when thinking about me being alone with him in his CRV. I walked across the river and took pictures.
Where I had sat and pondered.
Sat on the green bench for a while watching the seagulls at flying over the murky river. Not a pretty sight after the rain really. Then, my host text me,
"Where are you guys at? Balak nko dah call 2 kali. He will be here in 15 minutes. Meet me at the lobby where I told you".. yeah, that sounded Malay enough eh? Hihihihi
So I quickly headed to the lobby and met my host there. Then we got out to the drive. Not long after, a midnight blue CRV turned up at the drive way. It didn't take me long to recognise him. I got in, and we drove off after small talk between G and my host. G was new with Milwaukee and I was already a stranger to that town. So we had no idea where we were driving to. We just looked for the signs that might lead us there.
I totally put my life in his hands. |
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Sambungan
Well we got there finally. G was actually good. I don't recall much of what we talked about during the drive. Or rather, we didn't talk as much.
Zoo was filled with kids that day. It was a warm and sunny day after the rainy morning. We walked all over the place. I had been there once and things hadn't changed that much. They had this Stingray and Shark show and they were supposedly the main attraction. I was like.. are you kidding me? I eat stingray! Hahahahaha
We took picts. Well G took most of the picts since his BlackBerry could take picts from outside of the glass while my Sony Ericcsson is only excellent for outdoor stuff. We pretty much enjoyed ourselves.
I had actually been studying G. Ever since the meeting in Chicago, he had been mind boggling. I pondered.. did he really like me? Why did he do this but then that? And so on... Like it mattered that much, but I had to have my curiosity fulfilled. Ahh me on the prowl. |
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Sambung lagi
Somehow for the most part, I noticed that G tried to be in control. He didn't want to appear encouraging. He didn't want to get close but when he had his guard down, his body totally told me a different story. He would stand close to me for so long if it was unintentional. I remember watching a bear and he just stood there so close to me (right in my personal space) till I said it was time to go.
And then, there was a time. I wanted to take a picture of us together. We were smiling and laughing. And when I had the Cellcamera close to our face, he immediate grabbed me by the waist and pulled me towards him that the next thing I know I had my face locked on his chest. Yeah, he is way tall and lanky. That amused me for a bit because I was thinking, if he didn't have feelings for me, he could at most grabbed me by the shoulder, not my waist.
I told him that I was leaving the next day and his face changed. He wasn't happy. He thought I was gonna be around another two days. Then sadly he said "you have to get back to your boss".. and suddenly he said he was going to work the next day (though he said he was going to have his day off too the next day) for stupid reasons. |
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Sambung lagi
After a few hours at the zoo, we decided to head back to Racine. Perhaps go to the lake front if we could find it. We got in the CRV and drove off.
THis was when he started to spill things out. He started to voice his worries about long distance relationships. He said it hurts and difficult. The holding back, having to be away. I didn't really understand then, of what he wanted from me or what he thought I wanted from him. At that moment, I only knew, that I only wanted to be with him. Spend some time with him because it had been what my heart wanted. Out of the blue I asked him...
"Do you like me?"
Immediately he looked at me straight into my eyes and firmly almost angry in tone and said "YES". I decided not to go further into that issue and turned away. He seemed exasperated and a bit in pain too.
I think he likes to look far ahead if not a worrier. I told him I wasn't worried (I had no idea why I said that and I didn't feel a thing) and that I would take things one step at a time. Maybe that was why he tried to be reserved. Perhaps, he didn't want to get too carried away.
And I only wanted what I wanted.
[ Last edited by nenekglamer at 12-6-2008 03:35 PM ] |
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Sambung lagi
We reached our host's place - by accident really. Or G was really damn good. IT guy.. hehehhehe... But we couldn't find the lakefront so we decided to head back. We got into the house, sat for a while and decided to take a walk outside. It was a nice afternoon.
We talked some more. We opened ourselves more. I finally told him somethings only few of my friends knew about. About my own share of pain in the past. I wanted him to know I was once broken too. The only difference - I am healed.
At this point, G couldn't hold it any longer. He gave in to me. He showed his real self, his real feelings towards me. And it was all sweet. I think if we were living in the same city, we would definitely be dating. But we were already running out of time. It was getting late.
We reached his car. Time to part. Bitter and painful moment. We were unaware of our surrounding and were absolutely spontaneous towards each other. THings were said and done between us, passionately. He felt so good and so right that I just could not have enough of him. After a long time, I could finally feel so content and so at ease... with him. I definitely could not let him go.
G found it hard to leave. He somehow got into his CRV. I walked to the passenger side and he rolled down his window. He reached out his right hand and I held it for a while. I have no memory of what we talked about then, but I only remember his sad green eyes were looking helplessly into mine. I was holding his hand still. Then he said that the flight home would be shorter.
I don't know how I gathered the courage, I let go of his hand, and I told him to go. |
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Sambung lagi
I watched him drove off. His presence still lingered nevertheless. I was so wrapped up in him. His smell, the feel of him... every damn thing.
I ran into the house and at the same time trying to define this feeling I had inside me. I then went to the garage and sat alone at the lawn chair. I tried to reason and rationalise all that had happened between G and myself. Things we said and done with each other. And then it hit me like a house caving in or so it felt. I was actually in love with him and had been for a long time. I just didn't realise it soon enough that I didn't have the chance to tell him right to his face. That instance of revelation, I felt hard heavy tears rolled down my cheeks. I love him. Crap.
But it was supposed to be CLOSURE (though we didn't say goodbye to each other). And perhaps, for the best of our interests, we should refrain from talking to each other again.
It hurts.
Where I left my heart in - His CRV
G and Me
[ Last edited by nenekglamer at 12-6-2008 11:27 PM ] |
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is this really what is then called lov , dear Nanny?
macam tu , ek?
coz i do not know..honest ..the feelings that u had for a person and when u have been with with him the feelings intensified, is it? o ok this is pe of rlove ..then....hmm...
i mean how do you guys "knew" that it was the closure - like ok i like u and vice versa but it does not seemed to be encouraging type of relationship and did he "know" that? got ur message?
how about that Malay hehheeh freind of urs? |
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gosh that Hansel (aka German) ..... |
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Originally posted by mbhcsf at 12-6-2008 05:20 PM 
is this really what is then called lov , dear Nanny?
macam tu , ek?
coz i do not know..honest ..the feelings that u had for a person and when u have been with with him the feelings intensifie ...
At that moment of 'spontaneity' between us, I felt myself like a dangerously burning nuclear reactor ready to explode. And he... well, gave in to me.
All these years, G never really left my head. I had been hanging on to him for so long, though subsconciously and he said to me too that I am something that he lost that came back.
This has been hurting me a lot. I can remember the first day back home, I was totally sick and nauseaous. I couldn't eat. I was crying inside. Funny I wasn't teary. THe memory of us parting kept playing in my head like a broken record. I could feel him, smell him, taste him, his sad green eyes looking at me hopelessly... everything...
The second day being apart from him that the burden had become so heavy and everything started to take its toll that I totally passed out from emotional pain. I was mostly unconscious for almost a day. My body totally shut down. Catatonic. My niece and nephews kept trying to wake me up. Poor kids. I hope they won't ever feel this.
Yes it is love. And I have never felt this way before. And if I could turn back time, I would not have it any other way. I would still do the same thing maybe more, who knows. This pain somehow worth it and I deserve it.
Ehh.. what Malay?
Pst. I put up 2 new picts up there. Saw them?
[ Last edited by nenekglamer at 12-6-2008 11:37 PM ] |
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Originally posted by mbhcsf at 12-6-2008 05:21 PM
gosh that Hansel (aka German) .....
Lol what about him? You know, amazingly, after spending hours talking with him, I felt soo much better. Both of us are dealing with jetlag (and me plus love sick) and we acted silly with each other. I know he missed me from the way he acted. Smooches in the air. lol.
I don't know, kinda funny. This morning, I had my German expat and my Hansel (as you call him) talking to me at the same time and both wanted to see me on cam. They had to take turns... Buzy day.. hahahahha.. kinda tough to handle (you know how intense Germans can be) but they totally kept me entertained.
Hm... Expat taught me a new phrase today -
Die sind wirklich echt und koennten dir gehoeren... and I think it means, These are real and they can be yours...
And DO NOT ask how he came up with that phrase lol
But mostly, Hansel was the hand that mends. I don't know how he does it but he always made things better for me. Told him not to make me miss him or he would be in trouble lol.
Oh here is a picture that he took for me when he was in New York - so nice of him to remember me during his moment of fun.
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Btw MB..
Hansel and I use the exact same Cellphone - Sony Ericsson K800i. He snapped my pict on cam with it too today. Hehe.. biasala.. moment melepas rindu... he does that to me sometimes.
Till today, I cannot believe someone that good looking is my friend and has been for a while too.. |
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7th DAY WAKE
I woke up this morning and I saw G in my head and that really put my heart in my throat. And to think that yesterday I was OK. I am back into depression and am in pain again. I think I am on a relapse. You cannot feel this when you are not in love with someone and then watch him leave you.
But thankfully, I haven't been left alone ever since I parted with G. My friends keep calling me asking me if I was alright and tried to cheer me up. And even my online friends (just the 2 Germans) have been online and talking with me a lot especially the German expat. My sister even gave me some numbers to call because she thinks I need professional help. Yes, I am in real deep sh*t.
The German expat (P) has been very caring ever since I returned. I think he is somewhat feeling a bit guilty for neglecting me a lot these past few months. I had needed him most before leaving because I feared the unfavourable possibilities that might happen after meeting G in the states. P and I were supposedly meeting before I flew but that did not happen. I wish it had honestly.
This morning, I told P about my depression and my pain. What I had to go through after coming back. Of course I didn't mention G to him, only tell him of everything else. Heh, I didn't think P would care that much but he actually did. Weird, I think he takes this online friendship seriously, more seriously than I do. Anyways...
Shocked, sorry and guilty he told me to give him my number. Funny but I figured, what the hell, I'll just give it to him. Afterall, it is my work cell number and loads of people have it. And he text me - while chatting on Skype too haha.
After telling him about my issues, I just broke down and cried bitterly. After he logged of, I kept on crying. I can't help it. My heart really hurt because I love and lost G. I felt like my world just caved in and I am buried in the remnants alive. (chewahh.. wakakakka)
While drowning in my own tears, my cell rang. What do you know? It was P's number appearing on my cell screen. I answered in my crying voice. We talked for a while. We laughed and teased each other over random things. Talking to him actually cleared the clouds of sorrow that had been wrapping me.
Kind of weird. I wanted P a long time ago because when I saw his face for the first time, I saw comfort and so much peace. But he was hardly there for me even though he is only 3 hours drive away. That was a painful letting go too.
I finally got over him thinking that he was too high to reach. But now, he seems to be chasing me again. I don't know, I am not mentally capable of thinking straight at this moment. This could be a spur of the moment thingy too. WHo knows...
[ Last edited by nenekglamer at 13-6-2008 10:26 PM ] |
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i will read ur travel log soon but right now need to pack up and off to Kedah kot as i have not seen my parents since MArch , 8th, 2008.
hhahah ..what a good child i am , kan? |
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Originally posted by mbhcsf at 13-6-2008 05:31 PM
i will read ur travel log soon but right now need to pack up and off to Kedah kot as i have not seen my parents since MArch , 8th, 2008.
hhahah ..what a good child i am , kan?
hehehehe, yes.
Safe journey there and back. Have fun darling! |
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Bruised by Dutch, fixed by German.
"How about a German wrapped in puff pastry and a ribbon on top?"
"I would give my life for that. Where do I get it?"
Those were some of the things talked between me and P today. It is sunday morning and I suddenly lost interest in Malaysian style breakfast. Eversince I returned home from my America trip, P has always been talking to me, always by my side. More sensitive and more caring. I think he could sense something going on with me and I think he realises what it can do to both of us and that I may worth something to him.
I know I no longer feel the same about P after spending some time with G but in some way, I still need him. P has started trying to get into my life I think, perhaps try to find my heart (and it is in G's CRV still). Last night, he asked me hard questions about being me. Questions that reminded me of my pains and heartbreaks. I didn't need to answer them, but for some reasons unknown, I let him. I just wanted to open up more to him.
I asked him why he wanted to know. He didn't provide a direct answer but he admitted that it was important to him. I told him I am still dealing with issues and that I am incapable of making sound judgement right now. I may just be doing or saying things I would regret later on and that I apologise before hand if I ever end up hurting him. He said there was nothing he couldn't take.
P put me in tears last night (again). But he doesn't know it. I can't always show or tell my emotional weaknesses right? I may be wrong, but I think P knows that something is really wrong with me and that I am hurt and subtly, he is trying to heal me in his own way. I love the attention that he is giving me but I fear too that I would end up so attached to him. And what is more, he is only 3 hr drive away. I do not wanna go there again.
Memory of G is slowly fading. But the yearning for him stays strong as ever. I don't even want to log in to YM now because I know I may see him online. I want to 'run away' from G. Darn Dutch! Mwahahhaha... (Racist sungguh haku neh hehehe...)
[ Last edited by nenekglamer at 15-6-2008 11:18 AM ] |
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Reply #699 nenekglamer's post
Yeah!! Nenek dah balik...any souviners for me?  |
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Category: Cinta & Perhubungan
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Post time 12-6-2008 09:19 AM
Author
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