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I stroked her hair.........and told her I love her. she fall asleep.....and my nightmare began. |
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The night was better. I fall asleep immediately after I put her to bed. And only awoken by azan. I had a dream. Often times I cant remember my dreams. But I remember last night. It was about cleaning. I was cleaning the house but it never got done. Dad was there, smiling. He looked young and happy. And he brought me a few people to help. 3 persons per room.
Dad passed away several years ago but every now and then I would dream of him. He always comes to me when I抦 sad. Among all his children, I was his favorite. I was the most stubborn he said, but he has high hopes for me. Dad encouraged me, to get the highest education, until my PhD. He would be proud to see me now. I made it dad, I made it well in my life, except I keep making the same foolish mistakes. I抦 a fool and now I抦 deeply hurt. |
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He would be proud to see her too. She speaks English like him. I got her the best school I could. I was worried when we moved back here. Is she going to settle well in her new school? Will she miss her friends?
But alhamdulillah, she settles in well. She is well-liked. Nowadays she spends her recess with Gerald. The boy who took a liking to her, the first time they met. Gerald is a nice boy; I抳e met him several times. And I do not mind him spending times with her, at least she has someone to talk to, someone to take care of her. Gerald would make sure she eats her recess and then take her around school. Sometimes to see his friends playing the guitar. |
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Gerald speaks English with me, and then speaks Chinese to his friends, she complained. She was unhappy about it. But that is his native tongue honey; he should be able to speak in Chinese if he wants to, like you should be able to speak Malay if you want to. He has pinky-promised her that he wont speak in Chinese around her anymore.
Yesterday she came back from school with a love-heart pasted on her shirt. She told me it抯 from him. Her face light up when she talks about him. They are like brother and sister.
And she told me a few words of Malay she learned from school. 搃tik is duck and ikan is fish攨 |
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9th of may? I think so, Im not sure todays date. we finally say goodbye. although I hope I will see him again sometimes. I felt like a part of me is now missing. Im dead inside. But it had to be said. Theres nothing left. I hope I have the strength to carry on. I hope this will be the last goodbyes in my life. I will always think of him. I dedicate this song to him, , a person who has given me so much happiness. I hope you life will be filled with happiness and laughter. And I hope I will see you again, if not now, in my next life. Be happy always, sayang.
It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday
How do I say goodbye
To what we had
The good times that made us laugh
Outweighed the bad
I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye
To yesterday
I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through
If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye
To yesterday
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye
To yesterday
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye
To yesterday
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hari ini dan semalam...adalah seperti demam yang panjang. berat hati saya melangkah pulang, namun hidup mesti di teruskan.
adakah percintaan itu satu dosa? saya sendiri tiada jawapannya. ianya satu anegerah. saya terlalu memikirkan akan dosa, saya terlupa berlaku adil kepada diri saya.
malam ini akan menjadi malam yang panjang sekali lagi. namun saya panjatkan doa kepada Allah, semuga di beri kekuatan, semuga ada kebaikan akan semua ini.
hidup ini, setiap langkah adalah pelajaran. namun pelajaran yang seperti ini, sukar untuk di ungkap kan. saya mengharapkan pengampunan, dan saya mengharapkan kekuatan.
saya mengharapkan menjadi manusia yg cekal. |
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ada yang saya ralat. ada perkara saya ingin nyatakan. telah lama saya menunggu masa yang sesuai. namun tidak kesampaian, atau mungkin ianya untuk kebaikan. mungkin lebih baik ianya saya simpan sahaja.
apapun, saya mohon maaf, dari hujung rambut sehingga hujung kaki. atas semua yg berlaku, dan atas perkara yg saya simpan itu. tidak ada rezeki kita. |
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I remember this song. We were on our way back from Arizona, on the way to see the Grand Canyon. We were all young then. Young and free. Happiness was at my fingertips. It was dark and snowing. The road was quiet. We scared ourselves with ghost stories卆nd this song was on the radio. Cassette. It was cold, depressing and dark, like what I抦 feeling now |
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boleh kah ego menjadi tuhan? tentu saja boleh. tahniah, kerana bertuhankan ego. tahniah kerana pada hari itu ego telah datang menjadi tuhan. tidur lah nyenyak dengan tuhan itu.
semuga lena malam ini di buai mimpi indah lantaran ego yang tercalar telah di baiki. tuhan di samping kamu. |
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saya terasa menulis sajak, sebelum pulang. mencuba bakat saya, sebagai mengisi masa lapang.
tuhan yg satu ini.....
Suatu hari mencari tuhan
Telah hilang rupanya
Namun ia dekat
Hilang kabus Nampaklah ia
Bertuhankan ego
Sampai terlupa neraka dunia
Yang di cipta untuk diri dan orang lain
Asal tuhan ada bersama
Malam ini pasti lena yg indah
Ditemani tuhan yang satu ini
Pada mu ku tunduk
Padamu aku melutut.
Tuhanku
Terima kasih kerana menyelamatkan aku hari itu
Persetankan dia kesedihan
Persetankan neraka itu
Persetankan kematian itu
Aku mahu hanya tuhanku.
Pada mu aku tunduk
Padamu aku melutut
Pada mu aku berserah!
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My Immortal Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have, all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away oh all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have, all of me
me, me
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Thinking of the breakfast yesterday, at the house. The gesture actually. And the thread. And the good times. I felt a lot better. I wanted to be happy and I wanted to try again, in another sense. Another direction.
I appreciate all that he had done. He is not a bad person, the best that comes to my life. Better than anyone厖
She has become part of his life now. I have to accept that. I was sad but I抦 in no position anymore to say it. I have no rights. I want to be happy. She can take my turn. When she is around, I will go.
The decision has been made actually. He was to live with his anger towards me, and I was willing to take the position. It was by choice. I have felt a lot better yesterday and will continue to make an effort.
It was funny. I know what he was getting at. Was I scared? I have no idea. Some things are better left unsaid厖匸/color] |
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Bicara tentang hari keluarga itu telah hampir sampai ke penghujung. kami telah sepakat. Saya merasakan saya perlu berbuat sesuatu. Tidak luak untuk berbuat kebajikan.
Esok yang sungguh tiada kepastian. Hati yang penuh kekeliruan.
Adakah saya menghampiri kematian? atau satu permulaan? |
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23 may 2007
We finally moved to a new place. A place we can call home. We were all excited. I picked her up from school and brought her to the house. I love every part of the house, the warmth welcoming smell, the soft colors and the mixed of furniture |
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I was in my sentimental mood. We haven抰 spoken for a few days now. Tears come easily to me. The last we talked, I felt like a dog being kicked in a dirty drain卼hat抯 how I am in his eyes... How low does one stoop in desperation? I don抰 know. Love does strange things. Matters of the heart, they say. I failed to understand that. I抦 still hoping we could talk but hopes fade as days go by. I have trouble eating and sleeping. But, life goes on. |
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saya cuba bertenang sedaya mungkin. segala fikiran saya ketepikan, saya tepis.
selepas kecedraan, saya menalipon dia. saya minta tolong. dia berjanji bersama saya sehingga saya pulih sepenuhnya dari kecederaan saya. dia menyuruh saya mengambil teksi untuk pulang, risaukan saya memandu dalam keadaan begitu. tak apa, saya boleh handle. pastikan sms saya bila sampai ke rumah, kata dia.
saya mengenali dia lebih 6 tahun. he cares for me a lot. saya tinggalkan dia semasa bersama J, dan selepas itu. namun dia tidak pernah memarahi saya, jauh sekali meninggalkan saya. sekarang dia ada kembali, ketika saya perlu ketenangan.
saya akan mencari ketenangan itu. |
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saya mengunjungi rumah itu. walau hati kecil saya berkata jangan. luka akan berdarah lagi. saya sangat tak stabil sekarang.
lalu terjadilah apa yang saya takuti. saya kembali kepada asal. i wll do my crying in the rain.
dia masih menemani saya. saya menangis di talipon. kenapa?
awak ni, sudah sudah lah. |
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theraphy pertama, chanelling yr energy somewhere else. itu kata dia
i know you are strong. itu kata dia. |
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i need to let it out. he hugs me and i cry in his arms. |
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i needed this. i need to cry. i will be alright. it will be OK. |
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Category: Belia & Informasi
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Author
