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card_reader posted on 16-3-2013 10:18 PM 
buku jenis tebal ke nipis, kalu nipis nie rajin la gak nak membacanya...
kalu tebal nie, takat ...
sure la tebal2 rugi wooo beli buku nipis2, harga mahal....
pukul brapa start & abis? wahhhh makang free la kan?????????
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Innrukia posted on 1-3-2013 11:17 PM
Chapter 2 : Are you a Pursuer or Distancer
Men & women appear to be fr different planets becoz mo ...
pepagi jadi silent reader.. now da start engine.. pasal pursuer and distancer ni dia kena lebih specific on what type of situation..
sbb transition yg dikatakan distancer tu agak longgar.. for me.. macam mix between pursuer and distancer.. distancer for me bila.. we try so hard but we cant make it work.. pasal 2 way communication ni punya rules nampak simple.. tapi bila gagal impact dia sgt besar..
how u want to implement it tanpa rasa kekok.. bukan macam manual yg kita perlu ikut satu2.. sbb personaliti kita akan cuba reject.. dan merbahaya bila kita cuba sesuatu dan boleh menyebabkan internal explosion..
mungkin before we learn deeply bout this 2 way communication.. apakata kita cuba faham pasal body language.. itu foundation yg agak penting utk kita tau how we can communicate with other ppl... every body movement xkan menipu.. cuma d best liar yg akan sorok every signal yg badan dia cuba lakukan..
just my dua kupang.
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Innrukia posted on 16-3-2013 09:15 PM
II. The Magical Thinking Stage
The feel -good hormones & endorphins begin to subside. Rather than ...
ini point yg paling berharga!!
so now i know.. im at d passenger seat!
tukar mode jadi driver..! 
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artcrime posted on 20-3-2013 03:58 PM
pepagi jadi silent reader.. now da start engine.. pasal pursuer and distancer ni dia kena lebih sp ...
Tu just introduction...tunggu chapter yg seterusnya....
iols xder masa nk menaip panjang2 skrg...bz skit
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Innrukia posted on 20-3-2013 04:58 PM
Tu just introduction...tunggu chapter yg seterusnya....
iols xder masa nk menaip panjang2 sk ...
xpa2.. take ur time.. da baca yg blakang2.. menarik..
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sue_0684 posted on 20-3-2013 10:22 PM
tujuan iols bukak tred ni pon untuk sesiapa je share knowledge about relationship & how to comm ef ...
ehe.. tu yg dok bace sambil menghirup2 teh o ni.. huhuhu.. just nak upgrade diri in a good way.. yg penting tak kekok when try to implement all dz thing la..
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artcrime posted on 21-3-2013 08:48 AM
ehe.. tu yg dok bace sambil menghirup2 teh o ni.. huhuhu.. just nak upgrade diri in a good way.. y ...
tulah..dari meroyan tak tentu hala tuju baik sit and read the articles..at least ada sumthing kita dpt..
lepas bc nak meroyan balik pon boleh yg penting sambil meroyan ada jgk ilmu masuk dlm kepala..
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sue_0684 posted on 21-3-2013 09:41 AM
tulah..dari meroyan tak tentu hala tuju baik sit and read the articles..at least ada sumthing kita ...
u xnak share something kat sini? how to tackle some problem? jgn cerita problem byk sgt.. bykkan solution dia..
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sue_0684 posted on 21-3-2013 10:31 AM
Next time i'll explore this book..kena revise apa yg dah dibc dulu..
Below are the chapters of th ...
 no hal, sila-sila........akak pun xtau buku yg nih bila leh continue summarize kan.......
hopefully weekend ni bleh abiskan chapter last tu |
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A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise and back up.
When a woman's wave rises she feels she has an abundance of love to give, but when it falls she feels her inner emptiness and needs to be filled up with love. This time of bottoming out is a time for emotional housecleaning.
If she has suppressed any negative feelings or denied herself in order to be more loving on the upswing of her wave, then on the downswing she begins to experience these negative feelings and unfulfilled needs. During this down time she especially needs to talk about problems and be heard and understood.
My wife, Bonnie, says this experience of “going down" is like going down into a dark well. When a woman goes into her "well" she is consciously sinking into her unconscious self, into darkness and diffused feeling. She may suddenly experince a host of unexplained emotions and vague feelings. She may feel hopeless, thinking she is all alone or unsupportd. But soon after she reaches the bottom, if she feels loved and supported, she will automatically start to feel better. As suddenly as she may have crashed, she will automatically rise up and again radiate love in her relationships.
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A woman's self-esteem rises and falls like a wave.
When she hits bottom it is a time for emotional housecleaning.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling as good about herself, she is unable to be as accepting and appreciative of her partner. At her down times, she tends to be overwhelmed or more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vunerable and needs more love. It is crucial that her partner understand what she needs at these times, otherwise he may make unreasonable demands.
HOW MEN REACT TO THE WAVE
When a man loves a woman she begins to shine with love and fulfillment. Most men naively expect that shine to last forever. But to expect her loving nature to be constant is like expecting the weather never to change and the sun to shine all the time. Life is filled with rhythms-day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back an then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
-------------------------------------------------------------
In relationships, men pull back and the get close,while women
rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
--------------------------------------------------------------
A man assumes that her sudden change of mood is based solely on his behavior. When she is happy he takes credit, but when she is unhappy he also feels responsible. He may feel extremely frustrated because he doesn't know how to make things better. One minute she seems happy, and so he believes he is doing a good jop and then the next minute she is unhappy. He is shocked because he thought he was doing so well.
Don't Try to Fix It
Bill and Mary had been married for six years. Bill had observed this wave pattern in Mary, but because he didn't understand it, he tried to "fix it," which just made matters worse. He thought something was wrong with her tendency to go up and down. He would try explaining to her that she didn't need to be upset. Mary only felt more misunderstood and thus more distressed.
Although he thought he was "fixing it," he was actually preventing her from feeling better. When a woman moves into her well, he needs to learn that this is when she needs him the most, and it is not a problem to be solved or fixed, but an opportunity to support her with unconditional love.
Bill said, " I can't understand my wife, Mary. For weeks she is the most wonderful woman. She gives her love so unconditionally to me and to everyone. Then suddenly she becomes overwhelmed by how much she is doing for everyone and starts being disapproving of me. It's not my fault she's unhappy. I explain that to her, and we just get into the biggest fights.
Like many men, Bill made the mistake of trying to prevent his partner from "going down" or "bottoming out." He trie to rescue her by pulling her up. He had not learned that when his wife was going down she needed to hit bottom before she could come up.
When his wife, Mary, started to crash, her first symptom was to feel overwhelmed. Instead of listening to her with caring, warmth, and empathy, he would try to bring her back up with explanations of why she shouldn't be so upset.
The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can't fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.
How Men Are Confused
After learning how women are like waves, Bill was still confused. The next time his wife seemed to be in her well, he practiced listening to her. As she talked about some of the things that were bothering her, he practiced not offering suggestions to "fix her" or make her feel better. After about twenty minutes he became very upset, because she wasn't feeling better.
He told me, "At first I listened, and she seemed to open up and share more. But then she started getting even more upset. It seemed the more I listened the more upset she got. I told her she shouldn't be getting more upset and then we got into a big argument."
Although Bill was listening to Mary, he was still trying to fix her. He expected her to feel better right away. What Bill didn't know is that when a woman goes into her well, if she feels supported she doesn't necessarily feel better right away. She may feel worse. But that is the sigh that his support may be helping. His support may actually help her to hit bottom sooner, and then she can and will feel better. To genuinely come up she first needs to hit bottom. That is the cycle.
Bill was confused, because as he listened to her she appeared to get no benefit from his support. To him she just seemed to be going deeper. To avoid this confusion a man needs to remember that sometimes when he is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset. Through understanding that a wave must hit bottom before it can rise again he can release his expectations that she immediately feel better in response to his assistance.
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Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman
she may become even more upset.
-------------------------------
With this new insight, Bill was able to be more understanding and patient with Mary. After becoming much more successful in supporting Mary in her well, he also learned that there was no way to predict how long she would be upset, sometimes her well was deeper than at other times.
RECURRING CONVERSATIONS AND ARGUMENTS
When a woman comes out of the well she becomes her usual loving self again. This positive shift is generally misunderstood by men. A man typically thinks that whatever was bothering her is now completely healed or resolved. This is not the case. It is an illusion. Because she is suddenly more loving and positve he mistakenly thinks all her issues are resolved.
When her wave crashed again, similar issues will arise. When her issues come up again he becomes impatient, because he thinks they have already been resolved. Without understanding the wave, he finds it hard to validate and nurture her feelings while she is in the "well."
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When a woman's unresolved feelings recur, he may respond inappropriately by saying"
1."How many times do we have to go through this?"
2."I've heard all this before."
3."I thought we had established that."
4."When are you going to get off it?"
5."I don't want to deal with this again."
6."This is crazy! We are having the same argument."
7."Why do you have so many problems?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a woman goes into her well her deepest issues tend to surface. These issues may have to do with the relationship, but usually they are heavily charged from her past relationships and childhood. Whatever remains to be healed or resolved from her past inevitably will come up. Here are some of the common feelings she may experience as she goes into the well.
WARNING SIGNS FOR MEN THAT SHE MAY BE GOING INTO HER WELL
OR WHEN SHE NEEDS HIS LOVE THE MOST
She feels She may say
---------- ------------
Overwhelmed "There is so much to do."
Insecure "I need more."
Resentful "I do everything."
Worried "But what about..."
Confused "I don't understand why..."
Exhausted "I can't do anything more."
Hopeless "I don't know what to do."
Passive "I don't care, do what you want."
Demanding "You should..."
Withholding "No, I don't want to.."
Mistrustful "What do you mean by that?"
Controlling "Well, did you...？”
Disapproving "How could you forget...?"
As she feels more and more supported at these difficult times, she begins to trust the relationship and is able to journey in and out of her well without conflict in her relationship or struggle in her life. This is the blessing of a loving relationship.
To support a woman when she is in her well is a special gift that she will greatly appreciate. Gradually she will become free from the gripping influence of her past. She will still have her ups and downs,but they will not be so extreme that they overshadow her loving nature.
UNDERSTANDING NEEDINESS
During my relationship seminar Tom complained, saying, "In the beginning of our relationship, Susan seemed so strong, but then suddenly she became so needy. I remember reassuring her that I loved her and that she was important to me. After a lot of talking we got over that hurdle, but then again a month later she went through the same insecurity. It was as if she had never heard me the first time. I became so frustrated with her that we got in a big argument."
Tom was surprised to see that many other men shared his experience in their relationships. When Tom met Susan she was on the upswing of her wave. As their relationship progressed Susan's love for Tom grew. After her wave peaked, suddenly she started feeling very needy and possessive. She became insecure and demanded more attention.
This was the beginning of her descent into the wel. Tom could not understand why she had changed, but after a rather intense discussion that went on for hours, Susan felt much better. Tom had reasured her of his love and support, and Susan was now swinging up again. Inside he felt relieved.
After this interaction Tom thought he had successfully solved this problem in their relationship. But a month later Susan began to crash and began feeling the same way again. This time Tom was much less understanding and acepting of her. He became impatient. He was insulted that she would mistrust him again after he had reassured her of his love a month before. In his defensiveness he negatively judged her recurring need for reassurance. As a result they argued.
Reassuring Insights
By understanding how women are like waves, Tom realized that the recurrence of Susan's neediness and insecurity was natural, inevitable, and temporary. He realized how naive he had been to think that his loving response to Susan's response to Susan's deepest core issues could permanently heal her.
Tom learning successfully to support Susan when she was in her well not only made it easier for her to do her inner healing but also helped them not to have fights at those times. Tom was encouraged by the three following realizations.
1.A man's love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman's issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her.
2.A woman going into her well is not a man's fault or his failure. By being more suportive he cannot prevent it from happening but he can help her through these difficult times.
3.A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up afer she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and understanding.
WHEN A WOMAN DOESN'T FEEL SAFE IN HER WELL
This tendency to be like a wave increates when a woman is in an intimate relationship. It is esential that she feel safe to go through this cycle. Otherwise she works hard at pretending that everything is always all right and suppresses her negative feelings.
When a woman doesn't feel safe to go into her well, her only alternative is to avoid intimacy and sex or to suppress and numb her feelings through addictions like drinking, overeating, overworking, or overcaretaking. Even with her addictions, however, she periodically will fal into her well and her feelings my come up in a most uncontrolled fashion.
You probably know stories of couples who never fight or argue and then suddenly to everyone's surprise they decide to get a divorce. In many of these cases, the woman has suppressed her negative feelings to avoid having fihgts. As a result she becomes numb and unable to feel her love.
When nagative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings. In chapter 9 we will explore how to avoid arguments without suppressing feelings.
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When negative feelings are suppressed possive feelings
become suppressed as well, and love dies.
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Emotional Housecleaning
When a woman's wave crashes is a time of emotional cleansing or emotional housecleaning. Without this cleansing or emotional catharsis a woman slowly loses her ability to love and to grow in love. Through controlled repression of her feelings her wave nature is obstructed, and she gradually becomes unfeeling and passionlss over time.
Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome(PMS). There is a strong correlation betwen PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positve way. In some cases women who have learned succesfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear. In chapter 11 we will explore more healing techniques for dealing with negative emotions.
Even a strong, confident, and successful woman will ned to visit her well from time to time. Men commonly make the mistake of thinking that if their female partner is successful in the work world then she will not experience these times of emotional hoursecleaning. The opposite is true.
When a woman is in the work world she generally is exposed to stress and emotional pollution. Her need for emotional housecleaning becomes great. Similarly, a man's need to pull away like a rubber band may increase when he is under a greater amount of stress at work.
One study revealed that a woman's self-estem generally rises and falls in a cycle between twenty-one and thirty-five days. No studies have been done on how often a man pulls back like a rubber band, but my experience is that it is about the same. A woman's self-esteem cycle is not necessarily in sync with her menstrual cycle, but it does average out at twenty-eight days.
When a woman puts on her business suit she can detach from this emotional roller coaster, but when she returns home she needs her partner to give the tender loving support that every woman needs and appreciates at these times.
It is important to recognize that this tendency to go into the well does not necessarily affect a woman's competence at work, but it does greatly influence her communication with the people she intimately loves and needs.
How a Man Can Support a Woman in the Well
A wise man learns to go out of his way to help a woman feel safe to rise and fall. He releases his judgments and demands and learns how to give the required support. As a result he enjoys a relationship that increases in love and passion over the years.
He may have to weather a few emotional storms or droughts, but the reward is much greater. The uninitiated man still suffers from storms and droughts, but because he does not know the art of loving her throught her time in the well, their love stops growing and gradualy becomes repressed.
WHEN SHE'S IN THE WEL AND HE'S IN THE CAVE
Harris said, "I tried everything I learned in the seminar. It was really working. We were so close, I felt like I was in heaven. Then suddenly my wife, Cathy, started complaining that I watched too much TV.She started treating me like I was a child. We got in a huge argument. I don't know what happened. We were doing so well."
This is an example of what can hapen when the wave and the rubber band occure around the same time. After taking the seminar, Harris had succeeded in giving more to his wife and family than ever. Cathy was delighted. She couldn't believe it. They had become closer than ever. Her wave was peaking. This lasted for a couple of weeks, and then Harris decided to stay up late one night and watch TV. His rubber band was starting to droop. He needed to pul away into his cave.
When he pulled away, Cathy was greatly hurt. Her wave began to crash. She saw his pulling away as the end of her new experience of intimacy. The previous couple of weeks had been everything she had wanted, and now she thought she was going to lose it. Ever since she was a little girl this type of intimacy was her dream. His pulling away was a tremendous shock to her. To the vulnerable little girl within her it was an experience of giving candy to a baby and then taking it away. She became very upset.
Martian and Venusian Logic
Cathy's experience of abandonment is hard for a Martian to understand. Martian logic says "I have been so wonderful for the past two weeks. Shouldn't that entitle me to a little time off? I have been giving to you all this time, now it's time for me. You should be more secure and reassured about my love than ever."
Venusian logic approaches the experience differently: "These last two weeks have been so wonderful. I have let myself open up to you more than ever. Losing your loving attention is more painful than ever. I started to really open up and then you pulled away."
How Past Feelings Come Up
By not fully trusting and opening up, Cathy had spent years protecting herself from being hurt. But during their two weeks of living in love she started to open up more than she ever had in her adult life. Harris's support had made it safe to get in touch with her old feelings.
Suddenly she began to feel the way she felt as a child when her father was too busy for her. Her past unresolved feelings of anger and powerles were projected onto Harris's watching TV. If these feelings had not come up, Cathy would have been able gracefully to accept Harris's wish to watch TV.
Because her past feelings were coming up, she felt hurt when he watched TV. If given the chance to share and explore her hurt, deep then she would have emerged. Cathy would have hit bottom, and then she would have felt signficantly better. Once again, she would have ben willing to trust intimacy, even knowing it can be painful when inevitable he temporarily pulls away.
When Feelings Get Hurt
But Harris didn't understand why she would be hurt. He told her she shouldn't be hurt. And the argument began. Telling a woman she shouldn't feel hurt is about the worst thing a man can say. It hurts her even more, like poking a stick into an open wound.
When a woman is feeling hurt, she may sound as if she is blaming him. But if she is given care and understanding, the blame will disappear. Trying to explain to her why she shouldn't be hurt will make maters much worse.
Sometimes when a woman is hurting she may even agree intellectually that she shouldn't be hurting. But emotionally she is still hurting and doesn't want to hear from him that she shouldn't be hurting. What she needs is his understanding of why she is hurting. |
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sue_0684 posted on 21-3-2013 01:54 PM
tq artcrime for the sharing.....
sharing is caring..
now i understand why sometime kalau i bg oppionion pun leh gaduh..
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sue_0684 posted on 21-3-2013 02:44 PM
haaa..tau pon.....
ppn dia nak org dengar luahan perasaan dia..n then kena support even ...
xjuga.. i prefer to share with girls rather than lelaki.. ;) n for me.. i need oppionion.. sbb sifat lelaki tu yg bukan lemah lembut.. so tu yg boleh komen2 mencelah2..
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Cth communication problem2
JUST GIVE ME A REASON - PINK
Right from the start
You were a thief you stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you've been talking in your sleep
Things you never say to me
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
Im sorry I don't understand where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
Oh we had everything
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everything
And its all in your mind
Yeah but this is happening
You've been having real bad dreams
Oh oh
You used to lie so close to me
Oh oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love, oh our love, our love
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
I never stopped
You're still written in the scars on my heart
Your not broken just bent and we can learn to love again
Oh tears ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust but our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again |
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Category: Cinta & Perhubungan
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Post time 16-3-2013 10:20 PM
Post time 16-3-2013 10:22 PM
Author
...
