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Hi all. Thanks for reading.
Sorry i nak campur cakap melayu/english.
Saja buat thread nak ventilate. Nak bercerita.
Im in my late 20s, a lady. Bekerjaya as professionals. I tak pernah bercinta.
Personality i dengan lelaki, i dont trust guys easily.
Senang cakap, i tak hang out dengan lelaki. Sejak 2 tahun ni baru hang out in group with work colleagues. Dalam satu satu masa i ada soramg crush/bestfriend lelaki dan jadi platonic saja.
I tak layan lelaki mesej nak berkenalan, i tak mesra dengan lelaki and boleh kata perempuan stern dan boring jugakla.
Physically im biasa2 with big body build. Now im slimming down la.
I jumpa this guy, kenal 3 tahun la kot, sebab kerja. And since 6 months ago, tetiba dia jadi rapat. Katala nama dia A. Dia memang jantan secara luaran, x ada vibe lelaki lembut.
So A ni selalu nak makan sama, selalu kacau kacau i bila gathering, sampai i menyampah dan annoyed. I memang tak suka dia. Selalu i balas kasar kasar tapi dia gelak ja.
Lama lama bila kerap sangat kena kacau, biasala jadi curious. I join dia for dessert lepas group dinner, dan kami makin rapat. Selalu whatsapp, makan sama sama, basically dia akan narrate dekat i apa yang dia buat haritu walau i tak tanya pun. Bila dah kenal, i rasa ada chemistry, a very strong one, so i fall for him. We both boleh cakap anything, argue and minutes later sambung sembang macam biasa. We laughed a lot together. Seeing his effort, mestila i rasa dia pun suka i.
Sampailah satu hari, sembang pasal his previous crush, terlepaslah yang crush dia lelaki. Dorang dah setahun tak contact sebab bergaduh. Then he revealed that he is gay.
Of course im shocked, confused. A pernah kahwin dan dia cakap he had no problem sexually. Dia tak sayang bini dia sebab ni macam bercinta lepas kahwin dan dia x serasi dengan wife. He is so immature at that time (now pun)so they divorced.
I rasa dia bisexual, tapi dia cakap dia homo. I stop tanya. Tak rasa nak explore.
Then, crush si A, namanya B datang balik. Waktu tu we are soo close together, he is literally so happy with me. And im happy with him too.
So dia 'terpaksa' memilih.
Guess what, dia pilih B. So they are partner, without sexual relationship.
Both are closeted gay.
A nak still remain friend dengan i, dan still clingy dengan i like before. I cakap dia if u nak berubah ill help, tapi A rasa susah.
Its something he is born with. He had been married( dia igt nak bercinta lepas kawin tapi tak menjadi)
And on top he taknak kecewakan another girl heart( as general, not referring to me)
Dia cakap cukuplah exwife dia.
I selalu nasihatkan dia, suruh dia ingat tuhan etc tapi in the end he still pilih B.
Dia initially selalu sembang dengan i pasal homo topic sebab dia sedih. Now dia dah mcm happyly openly gay with me. His issues
1. Tak boleh bff dengan laki sebab dia akan suka orang tu. And they'll look weird.
2. Prefer bff perempuan tapi perempuan akan suka dia (which is true)
- i tanya dia so why u hang out with me?.u fikir i ni apa? Am i a game for u? Dia gelak and evaded the question.
3. Risau hidup dia akan sentiasa alone jadi dia pilih nak ada partner walau no sexual relationship ( sebab konon faktor agama)
Perangai dia dengan I
Dia akan ajak i grocery shopping, discuss minor things, share selfies, tunggu i kat luar toilet/surau/kedai makeup like any bf will do, nak ada me time dengan i(only both of us), nak tgk wayang everyweek together, bila dinner kitorang akan linger jalan2 town sebelum balik rumah masing2.
Selalu apa yg i minum dia nak rasa/share, anything i eat dia akan curi dan end up habiskan my meal.
Dia tak hanky panky dengan i, dia x try nak sentuh i, tapi bila cakap he will lean toward me, i rasa kalau i sporting dia dah lean against me. Memang tak la, nak mampos kalau buat camtu. I memang garang.
Kadang2 dia usik pasal kawin contract la, quote dia as part of my family la, imagine what if we have kids la etc
Perasaan I
I sayang dia, more than a friend obviously. Kalau tak i dah blah awal2 once i know he is gay. I fell before i know and the feeling continue to be the same.
I rasa dia sayang i jugak, but im not sure. Im relationship naive so ill leave it there.
Yang sure i rasa macam i tengah fill in the spot half girlfriend. Sebab he and his partner tak dapat lovey dovey in public, and when he hang out with me it is more socially acceptable. So im tengah occupy position as pemberi perhatian dan kasih sayang.
For eg: he and B went out for movie just 2 of them is a No No. With me, okay, everytime nak couple seat. Nak manja2 (verbal sahaja) dengan i etc
I dah terima fact he decided to choose to be gay, and our relationship akan jadi platonic till the end(unless dia bertaubat)
I ada few people cuba nak try line, tapi i tak dapat terima. Tak tahulah sebab kurang chemisty or sebab hati i tgh occupied ( stupidly)
I tau i bodoh. I pun tak tau macam mana nak jadi kurang bodoh.
Hari hari i doa god make things at ease.
And balikkan dia ke jalan yg lurus (as a muslim)
And i doakan hubungan dia dgn B berakhir.
I told him im okay with him being gay, totally not okay with him having a partner. I akan slowly refuse to go out with him/refuse to talk about his relationship because it hurts my feelings. (Because it is bizarre for me, rather than because he choose B over me)
And he avoided the topic when we hang out together.
Am i feeling hopeful?
75% no (not anymore)
25% i hope dia choose god over his feelings.
Please, doakan i.
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i rasa u just rebound partner je kot...??? i mean biasa la..human things, suka berteman...still you tak boleh nak justify la sexuality dia, since dia dah pilih jalan hidup dia...i guess yang u jatuh hati dgn personality dia je...that's all...and it don't involve feelings... |
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Author |
Post time 14-9-2017 10:03 AM
From the mobile phone
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kentel replied at 14-9-2017 10:00 AM
i rasa u just rebound partner je kot...??? i mean biasa la..human things, suka berteman...still you ...
Hurm. Boleh elaborate lg.
Yes true, i suka personality dia. Love need more than that kan? |
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orang yg nak kenal dan attach dengan awk ni kena hang out lama utk explore awak. kalau jenis express memang cabut dengan awak ni. tapi pendapat saya la, awak ni barhati baik.
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dia just perlukan kawan yang boleh bagi perhatian dkt dia...since dia sukakan perhatian/care daripada orang...sbb nya in the end dia still pilih B kan...so i assume dia anggap u not more than just a friend who's physically attractive and not sexually....
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Author |
Post time 14-9-2017 10:18 AM
From the mobile phone
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petaiterbang replied at 14-9-2017 10:09 AM
orang yg nak kenal dan attach dengan awk ni kena hang out lama utk explore awak. kalau jenis express ...
Thanks for the kind words.
U get me correctly here.
Susah nk masuk dalam my personal bubble, but once accepted i mmg care |
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Author |
Post time 14-9-2017 10:21 AM
From the mobile phone
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kentel replied at 14-9-2017 10:12 AM
dia just perlukan kawan yang boleh bagi perhatian dkt dia...since dia sukakan perhatian/care darip ...
Any advice for me?
In my state i jd dumb and blank.
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if u choose stick with him, pls bare in u mind, that he's a gay... and soon...anything can happen,
btw even if he's a gay, doesn't mean he can't married n get child....
pilihan ditangan anda 
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Macam baca cerpen karangan u... 
Bff u tu ade kecelaruan dalam diri dia... maybe sbb faktor agama & naluri yang against each other... die tak boleh decide ape yang die nak dlm hidup die....
For your own good jauhkan diri dan beri peluang pada diri u untuk kenal dengan org lain... |
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My advise is...cepat2 la remove ur feeling...feeling ni will lead to mcm2 bnde bodoh yg u akn buat nnt |
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IMO saya suka spisis cam awak ni. Quite challenging to know but nice to explore.  And trust me it's worth it.
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Sis, i rasa u actually tau apa yg u perlu buat tapi hati u berbolak-balik. U just need to move on and be strong. Slow2 jauhkan diri dari dia, tapi at the same time doalah yg someday dia akan berubah. If he is truly meant for u, someday he will find his way to you. Cekalkan hati sis. I wish u will find your happiness soon |
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my honest opinion? your relationship won't work...should go for someone else who's truly straight..jangan memendam rasa..nanti u yang sakit hati...u boleh terus berkawan dgn dia, tapi just bare in mind, your relationship won't work...it's ok to make friend, but not relation..
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and i notice you introvert....somehow u kena keluar dari comfort bubble u and hangout and be open to anything...just remember, changes are inevitable, adaptation is survival.. |
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couple dgn I je la bulan, I janji akan membahagiakan hidup u sepanjang hayat |
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susah dik susah. kalau ko harapkan dia suka ko sama seperti laki straight cintakan kekasihnya. better ko cari laki lain jah |
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cari org lain TT.. pink byk kawan gayboy ni..
kata nk insaf, tp last2 nk mengunyit jugak. |
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apa yang u nak? u nk jadi isteri contract dia? kalau tak nak u have to make the hard decision, u have to let him go and move on, sorry i homophobic, i geli bila same species cintan cintun ni |
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Dia gunakan TT untuk nampak normal di mata orang.tapi hakikatnya dia gay and want to stay gay. TT cuma tmpt dia turn to bila dia bosan maybe. Kalau kawen pun,i believe TT akan jadi trofi wife je n he will stay in da closett.
Move on plssss |
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Category: Cinta & Perhubungan
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Post time 14-9-2017 09:47 AM
变色卡
